Jokes by Nick Nemeroff
Illustration by Margot Klingender

If you slip the crossing guard a 20 you can get hit by a car.

Speaking really slow in court because I can tell the stenographer’s had a hard day.

The flight attendant told me to remove my headphones & watch the safety demonstration video because they worked really hard on it.

I’m getting my tattoos removed so I can suck my own dick.

“Can you make this spin any faster?” – me trying to impress my date at one of those rotating restaurants.

Anytime I see a mirror I am beside myself.

Instead of watering my plants I’ve just started painting them more green. Takes longer & is more expensive but they really do look more green.

My doctor won’t tell me how tall I am because of “patient-doctor confidentiality”. I have a pretty good guess though.

Weird that those books were called Goosebumps & I didn’t even find them scary. Shoulda called them Boners.

Why is it so hard to explain to my lawyer I’m going to sue him if he ever pisses me off. I mean. If anybody should understand...

How tall are you on a scale of 1 – 10 feet?
Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U + I together because it looks like UTI and I am running a social media campaign aimed at raising UTI awareness.

Bet my doctor $200 I could cum out these kidney stones.

Nice, the insurance company that took advantage of me and my family had a kinda funny commercial!

My psychic killed himself. I wish I could have done more to help. He called me every night this week and said he was gonna do it and I just hung up, but to be fair, he was usually such a bad psychic. Guess I am getting that promotion soon though!

I’m an empath. So when people get mad at me, I get really mad at them.

Sorry for responding with a fire emoji to your Instagram story…I was horny and thought you would have sex with me.

Even though a robber just broke in, I still feel safer knowing someone else is home.

My grandfather just turned 93 but he’s pretty mature for his age.

Just watched 2 hours of hardcore porn with my parents and lemme tell ya…some of those sex scenes made it awkward as hell!!! 
In a lot of cultures the bottom half of the face is frowned upon.

Made my doctor laugh by asking “so, is there a MRS. I?”  

Anyone watch the new Netflix show “I’m going to fucking kill you Nick Nemeroff”? It’s actually pretty scary…

I’m like Dr. Dolittle but with people.

I’ve been experimenting with microdosing. I’ve been microdosing my diarrhea medication. Just trying to get a little bit of diarrhea every day.

Ok if I’m being honest…kind of annoyed I spent all that time on the effigy and then you guys just burned it.

Some writers are bad at similes. They’re as bad as, possible.

My grandparents are orthotics Jews. They just feel more comfortable that way.

The asterisk button* on my keyboard is broken

*never mind

Turns out my ex-wife was into annul.
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